Indeed, life does suck.

A little over a year and a half ago my heart was broken. I haven’t dealt with it well. I tried to date. I tried to heal. Neither was I able to accomplish very successfully. Instead of exerting efforts to cope I focused on change. I suppose change was my way to cope with the pain. I started exercising four to six days a week, and my diet changed. For the past year I continue to find myself healthier, physically, every day. I also kept myself busier than ever: I did yoga, volunteered each week, and worked harder and even longer hours than I usually do. On the relationship side I have dated many, many girls. I made a great effort not to hurt anyone, but in some ways I was lashing out: I needed to feel wanted, I needed to feel that other people liked to spend time with me. Most of this occurred a very long time ago, shortly after the events I blogged about so long ago. Things slowed and steadied, but in many ways they hadn’t changed. Unfortunately, the negative trend continued and in 2007 I had one of the most trying years of my life. I was in a serious car accident. So were my parents. I had health problems. So did my family. It continues. I took the GRE, with thoughts and ambitions of things to come.

Then things did change. I met a girl who changed them, overwhelmingly for the better. She was kind, she was smart, and she was incredibly attentive to my feelings. We had our first date three days or so before my 26th birthday. She gave me the absolute perfect present, only a few days after knowing me — socks, as it were. Everything was suddenly good. I was happy. I had a newfound focus at work. We had awesome and amazing dates. Things were just…fantastic.

As things have developed, I ended up doing reasonably well on the GRE. I applied over the holiday break to graduate programs around the country, and to-date I have had reasonably good feedback from graduate schools. I have interviewed at two highly competitive and attractive programs, and I am flying out tomorrow to visit yet another.

But…today I find myself back in that same awful place. The girl I have had such an amazing time with is leaving the Seattle area, and potentially so am I. As unlikely as it may have been, I learned to love again. In many ways I am very thankful. She revived a part in me that I thought was forever destroyed. Things, however, are not well… and yet again I find myself utterly heart-broken. In some ways I knew this was coming. Distance has very recently and persistently shown its exceedingly un-welcome head, and gut feelings have manifest into real issues. I have had no appetite for the past couple of weeks, and sleep has been rare and incomplete. Some things don’t seem to change. Events and outcomes, explicitly, have repeated.

Progress, aspirations/ambitions, timing, and feelings have always conflicted in my life. They present huge challenges reminiscent of choices of which I seem to have no part. I suppose in some ways I do. Today I lost something I cared immensely about — a relationship with someone I have come to love. I could never tell her, and it was hard enough to admit it to myself…but it was candid and unfettered. Life is hard. I don’t know how to react other than reiterate words I have previously: sometimes life sucks.